I did everything “right.”

Or at least I thought I did.

After my first Rottweiler became dog selective, I was determined that I wasn't going to let that happen again.

So with my next dog, I SOCIALIZED.

And I mean...

I socialized the heck out of that puppy.

Four puppy classes.

Weekly puppy playgroups.

Playdates with friends who had puppies.

I brought her everywhere I could.

Other dogs were a HUGE part of her puppyhood.

I was determined to raise a dog who loved other dogs.

And you know what I got?

A reactive dog.

Not because she hated other dogs.

Quite the opposite.

She wanted them too much.

When she saw another dog and couldn't get to them, she became frustrated.

On leash, that frustration could turn into pulling, barking, lunging and losing her mind.

I had been so worried about raising another dog who didn't want to socialize with every dog...

I helped create a dog who thought she SHOULD socialize with every dog.

That was a pretty big light bulb moment for me.

Can you actually socialize a dog too much?

I think we need to distinguish between socialization and what I would call hyper-socialization.

Socialization is helping your puppy learn about the world they're going to live in.

People.

Dogs.

Sounds.

Surfaces.

Movement.

Places.

Handling.

Cars.

Kids.

Novel experiences.

And yes, sometimes interacting with dogs and people.

But somewhere along the way, we've turned puppy socialization into:

Meet as many dogs and people as humanly possible before your puppy gets older!

Those aren't the same thing.

If every dog your puppy sees becomes a playmate...

If every person they see pets them...

If every trip to the pet store becomes a meet-and-greet...

What are we actually teaching?

Possibly:

Everything I see is available to me.

And that's not a very realistic expectation for life.

Too much of a good thing is still too much

We understand this in almost every other part of life.

Chocolate can be wonderful.

That doesn't mean unlimited chocolate is better.

Kids need play.

They also need rest and boundaries.

We enjoy our phones.

That doesn't mean unlimited access to them is particularly good for us.

Even things that are enjoyable need balance.

Why would our dogs be different?

Having dog friends can be wonderful.

Enjoying people can be wonderful.

Playing can be wonderful.

But our dogs also need to learn:

Sometimes the answer is no.

Not because dogs need arbitrary rules.

Because that's how real life works.

You don't get access to everything you want simply because you want it.

And learning that early can prevent a LOT of frustration later.

“But I feel bad not letting her say hello!”

I hear this all the time.

Someone's dog sees a favorite person and gets excited.

The owner says:

“I feel terrible not letting her go say hi. She loves him!”

Or their dog sees another dog they know:

“They always play together. I feel mean making him walk past.”

But you're not depriving your dog of a happy life because they don't get access to every person or dog they enjoy.

You're teaching a really important skill:

I can want something without immediately getting it.

That's frustration tolerance.

And it's a skill our dogs need.

Sometimes WE feel guilty too

There's another side of this that I noticed during my trip to Europe.

Sometimes the guilt isn't even about the dog.

It's about the person.

Someone sees your dog and says:

“Oh my gosh! Can I pet her?”

And your dog loves people.

So you think:

Why would I say no?

Or maybe your dog is tired, overexcited or you've been working on calm greetings...

But the person looks disappointed.

So you let them say hello anyway.

I want to give you permission:

You do not owe other people access to your dog.

Your dog isn't a public attraction.

You aren't rude because you keep walking.

And you certainly aren't failing at socialization.

Sometimes walking past someone your dog REALLY wants to greet is more valuable training than the greeting itself.

This is where boundaries matter

Boundaries sometimes get a bad reputation in positive reinforcement training because people hear “boundaries” and imagine being controlling or harsh.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Boundaries create predictability.

Sometimes we play.

Sometimes we don't.

Sometimes you greet that person.

Sometimes we walk past.

Sometimes you get to run with your dog friend.

Sometimes you see them and continue walking with me.

Sometimes you get what you want immediately.

Sometimes you wait.

None of that requires force.

It requires teaching.

Allow. Manage. Teach.

This is where one of my favorite frameworks fits beautifully.

ALLOW

What can my dog reasonably do?

Absolutely let your puppy have appropriate dog friends if they enjoy other dogs.

Let them interact with people they like.

Let them play.

Let them have fun.

I don't want to take social experiences away.

I want them to be intentional.

MANAGE

What situations are currently too difficult?

Maybe your adolescent dog can't calmly pass their best dog friend from six feet away yet.

Don't repeatedly put them in that situation and get frustrated when they fail.

Create more distance.

Cross the street.

Use environments where you can control how close you get.

Management gives you room to teach.

TEACH

Now teach the missing skill.

See a dog and check in with me.

Walk past someone you like.

Wait before saying hello.

Settle while other dogs exist nearby.

Hear “not this time” without falling apart.

Those skills are just as important as sit, down and come.

Maybe more important.

Social doesn't mean unlimited access

This is something I wish I'd understood when I was raising that Rottweiler.

I thought the opposite of dog selective was:

Dog who loves and plays with ALL THE DOGS.

It's not.

There's a middle path.

I can raise a dog who enjoys other dogs without teaching them that every dog is theirs to meet.

I can raise a dog who loves people without teaching them that every human exists to pet them.

I can create positive experiences without creating an expectation of access.

That's the part I missed.

And it's something I now want puppy owners to understand from the beginning.

What healthy puppy socialization can look like

Sometimes your puppy meets the dog.

Sometimes your puppy watches the dog from across the park.

Sometimes the person pets your puppy.

Sometimes you have a conversation with someone while your puppy hangs out beside you.

Sometimes you go into the pet store and say hello.

Sometimes you walk through the store, buy your dog food and leave.

Sometimes your puppy plays.

Sometimes your puppy practices settling while another dog is nearby.

All of those are socialization.

In fact, some of the moments when absolutely nothing happens may be among the most valuable.

Because your puppy is learning:

I can be around the world without needing to interact with all of it.

If your dog already gets TOO excited, you haven't ruined them

Maybe you're reading this thinking:

Oh crap. I did exactly what you did.

Welcome to the club.

You don't need to feel guilty.

You were trying to give your dog positive experiences.

So was I.

And you don't need to suddenly stop allowing your dog to see everyone they love.

Instead, start creating some balance.

If your dog greets a favorite person every single time they see them, occasionally practice walking past.

If every dog encounter means play, create opportunities to simply be around dogs.

Reward your dog for checking in with you.

Practice waiting before greetings.

Teach settling.

Build tolerance for not immediately getting what they want.

In other words:

Don't eliminate the good thing. Add boundaries around the good thing.

Maybe the goal isn't “more social”

This is one of the biggest changes in how I think about socialization today.

I don't want to create the most social dog possible.

I want to create a dog who can comfortably navigate their world.

A dog who can have friends...

and walk past a friend.

A dog who can love people...

without needing attention from every person.

A dog who can get excited...

and learn how to come back down.

A dog who can hear “yes”...

and also handle “not right now.”

Because neither people nor dogs thrive when everything they want is available all the time.

Good things are still good.

Play is good.

Friends are good.

Affection is good.

Social experiences are good.

But more isn't always better.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can give our dogs isn't another opportunity to say hello.

It's the ability to be okay when they don't.

Better Every Day.

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