I recently had a conversation with a parent whose dog had bitten his child.

Twice.

Thankfully, neither bite broke the child's skin.

As we talked, I learned that their young child regularly crawled on the dog.

And the question the parent wanted me to answer was essentially:

“How do we teach the dog to tolerate this and not bite?”

I completely understand why that's the question.

You love your child.

You love your dog.

You want them to be able to live together safely.

And once a dog has bitten your child, of course your brain goes immediately to:

How do I make sure my dog never does that again?

But I think we're starting with the wrong question.

Because I don't want to teach this dog to tolerate being crawled on.

I want the crawling on the dog to stop.

And that distinction is incredibly important.

A bite is usually not where the conversation started

When a dog bites, humans tend to focus on the bite.

It's obvious.

It's scary.

It's the part we can't ignore.

But from the dog's perspective, that may have been the end of a much longer conversation.

Before a bite, a dog may:

Turn their head away.

Move away.

Close their mouth.

Become very still.

Lower their body.

Lick their lips.

Show the whites of their eyes.

Pin their ears.

Try to leave.

Growl.

Snap.

Not every dog follows the same sequence, and not every dog gives every signal.

But dogs communicate discomfort in many ways that are much quieter than biting.

Unfortunately, humans are really good at missing the quiet stuff.

Especially with children.

“But he always lets her do it.”

This is where things can get dangerous.

I see photos and videos all the time of children hugging dogs, lying across them, crawling on them or putting their faces right next to a dog's face.

And someone will say:

“Look how much he loves her!”

Maybe he does love her.

But loving a child and enjoying being climbed on by that child are two completely different things.

Your dog can adore your child and still think:

Please get off me.

And sometimes what we're interpreting as “tolerance” is actually a dog who has learned that their earlier communication doesn't work.

Imagine repeatedly saying:

“No, thank you.”

“Please stop.”

“I don't like that.”

“I need some space.”

And nobody responds.

Eventually, you might communicate a little more clearly too.

The dog shouldn't have to tolerate everything a child does

This is the part I really want parents to hear.

Our goal should not be to create a dog who tolerates absolutely anything a child does to them.

I don't want a child climbing on a dog even if that dog has never growled.

I don't want a child pulling ears even if the dog “doesn't care.”

I don't want a toddler taking food out of a dog's bowl because “he's always been fine with it.”

I don't want a child lying on a sleeping dog because they've done it 100 times before.

Why?

Because dogs are living beings.

They have boundaries.

They experience pain, fear, surprise, frustration and discomfort.

They have good days and bad days.

And every dog has a limit.

Our job isn't to keep testing where that limit is.

“But shouldn't I teach my dog not to bite?”

Yes—and no.

Of course we want to reduce the likelihood of another bite.

But simply focusing on suppressing the dog's response misses the most important question:

Why did the dog feel the need to bite?

If someone kept poking me with a fork, you could spend a lot of time teaching me not to yell.

Or...

you could ask them to stop poking me with the fork.

That's the piece we sometimes miss in dog training.

We become so focused on stopping the behavior we don't like that we forget to ask what caused it.

This is where my allow, manage, teach framework becomes really important.

What can I reasonably allow?

What do I need to manage so everyone stays safe?

And what skills do I need to teach?

In a dog-and-child household, management isn't failure.

Management is part of responsible parenting and responsible dog ownership.

Children can't be responsible for managing the dog

You can absolutely teach children how to behave around dogs.

And you should.

But a toddler cannot be responsible for remembering a dog's boundaries 100% of the time.

A preschooler can't reliably interpret subtle canine body language.

Even older children make impulsive choices.

That's why “We told him not to bother the dog” isn't a complete safety plan.

Adults have to manage the environment.

That might mean baby gates.

Separate spaces.

A crate or room where the dog can rest undisturbed.

Not allowing the child to approach the dog while they're eating or sleeping.

Actively supervising interactions.

And separating them when active supervision isn't possible.

The goal isn't punishment or isolation.

It's creating a home where neither the dog nor the child is repeatedly put in a situation they aren't equipped to handle.

Supervision means more than being in the room

This is another big one.

“I was right there.”

I believe you.

But being physically present isn't always the same thing as actively supervising.

If you're making dinner, answering a text, watching TV or talking to someone while your toddler and dog are together, you may not see the tiny interaction that changes everything.

Good supervision means you're actually paying attention to both of them.

Can the dog move away?

Is the child following?

Did the dog's body suddenly become still?

Is the dog trying to rest?

Is the child reaching for something the dog has?

Is either one becoming overexcited?

And if you can't actively watch?

Separate them.

That's not being overly cautious.

That's setting everyone up for success.

Please don't punish the growl

This one deserves its own section.

If your dog growls at your child, I know that's scary.

But the growl is valuable information.

Your dog is telling you:

“I'm uncomfortable. I need this to stop.”

I don't want to punish that communication.

I want to listen to it.

Because if we teach a dog that growling gets them in trouble, we haven't necessarily changed how they feel.

We've potentially just removed one of the ways they tell us they're uncomfortable.

I would much rather have a dog say:

I'm not okay with this.

before they feel they have to escalate.

If your dog has already bitten your child, take it seriously

Even if the bite didn't break skin.

Even if your dog has “never done anything like this before.”

Even if you know exactly why it happened.

And especially if it has happened more than once.

Don't keep recreating the situation to see whether the dog will do it again.

Don't test them.

Don't assume they'll “get used to it.”

Change the environment now.

Prevent access to the situation that caused the bite.

And get qualified professional help to look at the entire picture.

Depending on the circumstances, that may also include talking with your veterinarian, because pain or other medical issues can affect a dog's tolerance and behavior.

A bite doesn't automatically tell us everything about a dog.

But it does tell us something important:

The current setup isn't working.

The goal isn't a dog who puts up with your child

This is what I wish more families understood before there's ever a growl or bite.

I don't want your dog and child to have a relationship based on the dog tolerating the child.

I want your child to learn:

Dogs have boundaries.

Dogs need rest.

Dogs get to walk away.

Dogs don't have to share everything.

Dogs aren't furniture.

And I want your dog to learn:

I have safe places to rest.

My adults will listen when I'm uncomfortable.

I don't have to handle situations that scare or overwhelm me.

I can move away.

The humans in my home will help me.

That's how we create trust.

If you're thinking, “But my dog would NEVER…”

I hope you're right.

Truly.

But I don't want to build child safety around how much we believe a dog will tolerate.

I want to build it around not putting the dog in the position of having to tolerate it in the first place.

Your child deserves to be safe.

Your dog deserves to feel safe too.

And sometimes the most important behavior change isn't the one we need from the dog.

It's the one we need from ourselves.

Better Every Day

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